On A Lighter Note

29 Aug

So tonight, while enjoying my dinner (2 scrambled eggs with potatoes and onions browned in EVOO)- I see this poor little face staring back at me. Meet my doggie, Chopstix¬† ūüôā

¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬† <——————YUMMY!

¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬† Chopstix —————->

A Tough Realization

29 Aug

Whew! I’ve been mulling over how to complete this step 4 inventory for two days. My hand reluctantly¬†holding the pen, I just can’t manage to make myself write the words. Once they are there, in permanent ink, the words will become so real. Not just the words, but my actions. Right now when those memories start to resurface, I can just push them wayyy back to the back of my mind where I don’t have to “own” up to them. But, once they’re in writing, they become a part of me, a part that I don’t want to be, a part of me that I don’t want you to know. A part of me that I don’t want ME to know. I don’t want¬†to admit how important food has been in my life. I don’t want to own up to¬†the fact that it has consumed me for 30 years. And I shutter to think that I’ve isolated friends and family- those¬†that have always¬†stood by me, for my “fix”. You see, if I’m alone, no one has to know what I’m eating,¬†no one is there to judge me for it. So, being alone¬†for me, was comforting. But you never judged me did you? This was yet another lie I led myself to believe so I could be alone with my addiction.

My Step 4 Inventory…

27 Aug

Well, it seems as if it’s time to begin cleaning up the messes of the past so I can start my life over, afresh. I no longer feel (or want) the need to protect myself with uncomfortable feelings by eating compulsively. This is going to be the hardest part of the change I’m afraid. To admit my problems, and to face the lies surrounding food I’ve led myself, and others, to believe.

Step four requires that I make a “searching and fearless moral inventory of myself”. I have to list the people, institutions and principles toward which I feel resentment, fear or other¬†troublesome feelings. I have to research and analyze¬†my feelings and I’m going to lie-¬†I’m already ashamed and humiliated. I think this will by far be the hardest time- but also the most eye-opening one. I plan to make this inventory this afternoon, and maybe even share some of it in a post later tonight.

Wish me luck…

Do I Really Have to Be Honest??

25 Aug

I feel sick. I feel sick physically. I feel sick emotionally. This is a post I have been dreading to write. I’ve been contemplating for about an hour and a half, trying to talk myself out of it. Trying to convince myself I don’t have to come clean, no one will know. But I promised you honesty, so here it goes.

After work around 5pm I had a couple of errands to run. My husband did as well, so we went opposite directions. One of these errands was to make a quick trip into my local Kroger’s and grab a few pieces of fruit, some veggies and some skim milk. Not a heavy shopping trip, but a few essentials to last me a¬†couple of¬†days. I’d been off work about an hour when I headed towards the grocery store and realized I was starving. You read my post earlier, so you know what I had for lunch. But I had eaten about an hour later than¬† usual and wasn’t hungry for¬† my mid-afternoon snack, so I skipped it. By 6pm I was ravenous and¬†decided I’d better grab a quick bite to eat. Lucky for me, my favorite sushi joint is in the same shopping structure, so I decided I’d pop in for a quick bite to eat. Mistake #1. Like a recovering alcoholic,¬†you don’t send them into a liquor store. Alone. My plans were out the window. My intentions were good-¬†I promise this. I ordered a water and decided¬†instead of ¬†sushi I’d have the teriyaki¬†beef, no rice- I’d get mixed veggies instead. Not bad, right? Well, the plate came out, and this thing was monstrous. With my eating habits now, I could have made 3 (maybe even 4) meals out of this. I don’t know if the waitress thought she needed to overcompensate for the lack of rice or what- but it was crazy. Now comes mistake #2. No witnesses, an emotional day (still haven’t figured out what is up with my mood), my favorite food in front of me. Even as I was eating (and this is embarrassing) I KNEW, I knew I needed to stop. I felt full, but it was so good. I did manage to quit, but this was after downing at least 2 of the servings. I really should have known better. I should have known that I can’t be trusted. Not yet. I shouldn’t have went alone, even with the best intentions. I really hope this is a lesson learned and I’d LOVE to be able to say it won’t happen again. I know after feeling really good about myself and my accomplishments,this really knocked me down a few levels. I¬† hope this feeling would prevent me from doing it again, it definitely showed me how weak I really am.

My New Ways

25 Aug

Well, today I’m a little blah. Honestly I can’t tell if I’m just anxious, or if I’m down about something. I just don’t feel like my usual self and I hate that! Normally I would calm these feelings with food, but it’s a new life for me and I can no longer suppress my feelings by eating. So, here I am. Blogging. Yesterday was an abstinent day for me. (That’s what OA calls it. When you don’t overeat or you stay away from your trigger foods, abstinence). And I’m determined to make it today too. I’m suppose to be meeting my uncle for lunch at Ruby Tuesday’s and my plan is to stick to the salad bar! I’m not going to drown my feelings in high-calorie, high-fat foods that will zap my energy, reverse my weight loss and make me feel guilty for the rest of the day. I just needed to put this out there and make a promise to someone that I wouldn’t blow it, otherwise I may convince myself it okay “just this once”. So thanks for listening and letting me vent, and to you, I promise- I’ll be good ūüôā

****UPDATE****

¬† So, I didn’t do too bad- I had a small salad with low-fat Ranch on the side and a crabcake (330 cal) with a double side of zuchini (82 cal) and an unsweetedned tea.

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I Spoke Up

23 Aug

Tonight was my 3rd Overeater’s¬†Anonymous meeting. I initially joined not ready to admit to myself that I was actually an overeater. To me, overeater¬†is a dirty word-¬†something I wasn’t ready and didn’t want to be associated with.¬†It’s¬†someone who¬†hides and eats in secret, someone who¬†obsesses about food, ¬†someone¬†who¬†lies about-¬†either to themselves or¬†others-¬†about food.¬†(Oh wait, I totally did that).¬†But, do I have a weight problem? Well, that’s obvious. But, it is a problem?¬†A bold-lettered capitalized PROBLEM? ¬†And better yet, is it a problem I need help with? Help from complete strangers with no medical backgrounds. Help in a group setting? I don’t know about all that. I would¬†rather try¬†to fix it myself. The problem is, I’d been there, done that. ¬†But, what I had learned from quitting smoking is the more support I can get, the better. The more people I have to “answer” to, the more I’m likely to stay on track. So, enter OA. As stated above, this is my 3rd meeting. The first couple I still wasn’t ready to admit that I was like those people.¬†I liked the lie that I made myself believe. The lie that said there’s nothing I can do to contribute to my weight loss or weight gain. The lie that said there was nothing I did or didn’t do to make myself this way- this is just the way God made me and there’s nothing that can change that. That lie was easy to live with. It’s the truth that’s hard. Admitting to myself that I’ve done this, I’ve chosen the high fat, high calorie foods over the¬†healthy¬†fuel my body needs. I’ve decided to lead a sedentary¬†lifestyle instead of being active. I’ve decided that each diet, eating plan, exercise plan is too hard to keep up with and go back to my comfortable lifestyle of doing what’s easy. Well, tonight-¬†I spoke up. I shared these deep dark feelings that I didn’t want to admit. I told a room full of strangers that I have been a failure. And what did I find-¬†ridicule? No. Disgust? No. Acceptance. Pure, loving, understanding acceptance. I’d like to say that this is the be-all, end-all of all my previous weight loss attempts, but all I can promise is to try to be as honest here as possible. To share my struggles and to (hopefully) share my accomplishments. I’d like to think of tonight as one of those accomplishments.

I Hate Mornings

23 Aug

I am not,¬†reapeat: ¬†NOT¬†a morning person at all! I would¬†so much rather stay up late and sleep in, but alas, I have a job¬†(and they prefer me not to do that)! Given grumpiness and general lack of caring in the mornings, it’s hard to eat a good breakfast before work at 8:30am. I’m certainly not getting up any earlier to cook myself egg whites. I would demand a yolk for going through all that trouble!¬†This is where my new love comes in: Smoothies! Love,¬†love, love that I just throw a few ingredients into a blender and I have a delicious (and filling) breakfast within minutes! I start with about 6 ice cubes, a splash of rice milk, 2 tsp. of Truvia¬†(or sugar sub. of your choice) fruit of your choice and 4tsp¬†of powered egg whites for protein (usually these are found in the baking aisle¬†of your local grocery store). I’ve done strawberry, strawberry-banana and my favorite-¬†peach. This morning I decide to be a little more exotic¬†I threw in 1/2 a mango¬†and a spear of pineapple. I’ve found my new favorite!¬†¬†It’s so tasty, I can’t believe it’s actually healthy for me! My sister asked if it actually fills me up like a “normal” breakfast would: well, it does! I’ll drink my smoothie on the way to work about 8:15am and I’m not ready for my mid-morning snack until at least between 10:30 and 11:00am. I hope this helps others with a fast, nutritious and extremely yummy breakfast ūüôā