A Tough Realization

29 Aug

Whew! I’ve been mulling over how to complete this step 4 inventory for two days. My hand reluctantly holding the pen, I just can’t manage to make myself write the words. Once they are there, in permanent ink, the words will become so real. Not just the words, but my actions. Right now when those memories start to resurface, I can just push them wayyy back to the back of my mind where I don’t have to “own” up to them. But, once they’re in writing, they become a part of me, a part that I don’t want to be, a part of me that I don’t want you to know. A part of me that I don’t want ME to know. I don’t want to admit how important food has been in my life. I don’t want to own up to the fact that it has consumed me for 30 years. And I shutter to think that I’ve isolated friends and family- those that have always stood by me, for my “fix”. You see, if I’m alone, no one has to know what I’m eating, no one is there to judge me for it. So, being alone for me, was comforting. But you never judged me did you? This was yet another lie I led myself to believe so I could be alone with my addiction.


3 Responses to “A Tough Realization”

  1. lillyoa August 29, 2011 at 8:49 pm #

    Good for you Katie! It was really tough to write the first one. There’s the reason they call it a “searching and fearless moral inventory.” I’ll tell you what my sponsor told me, ok?

    First, you don’t have to write “The Great American Novel”. If you’re not American, just change that to fit. You only need to write the things that are on your mind right now so that you can get them out of the way. They are the things that you need to do so they do not block you from proceeding.

    Sometimes writing inventory makes it harder to keep the compulsion away. Just remember to keep asking your HP to take it from you so that you can deal with your feelings. (As coe’s many of us use food to stuff those feelings down.)

    Disregard all of the above if your sponsor has asked something different of you.

    You’re not alone anymore Katie.

    lilly~ coe

    • Katie August 29, 2011 at 9:45 pm #

      Lilly, thank you so much for your support. I haven’t gotten a sponsor yet, so your help is even extra helpful & appreciated 🙂 🙂 Im really grateful that you’ve shared your tips with me, thank you!

      • lillyoa August 30, 2011 at 3:08 pm #

        Without a sponsor, you really need to find someone you can trust to share your fourth step with (Step 5). Some people use a counselor from their therapy, and some use their priest or minister. It’s very important that it is someone who will protect your anonymity and your privacy. We come into OA like tender flowers that have been stepped on. We don’t need someone to crush us. We need someone who loves us anyway, no matter what. (That’s what sponsors do, along with guiding us through the steps.)

        Have yourself a wonderful, abstinent day!


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